Lepidolite is all about feeling your feelings.
I have been feeling some feelings, some very real feelings this month.
Scorpio’s process their feelings deeply and internally, it takes a lot to get me to express any emotion that is outside of the range of anger (patience is not my strong suit) or happiness (joy and the such is also restrained and kept within myself , a joyful little private blanket). We Scorpio’s feel deeply but privately, unlike Cancer’s whose emotions are a totally mystery as they wall them up within their crab shell, our emotions are mysterious in that they are expressed so subtly, however they just emanate off of us, like this deep vibrating power wand of emoting and so it is apparent that something is going on beneath the surface, but just what it is is a mystery to most.
These feelings that I”m feeling have been beyond the general realm of my Scorpio feelings. They are steeped in trauma, they are drenched in grief, and they are cloaked in powerlessness.
Dioptase, our crystal for last month, opened our hearts and I had a happy little secret, I was pregnant.
I was pregnant.
I miscarried, the miscarriage began on Mother’s Day, such a bitter way to spend Mother’s Day, such an untraditional way to spend Mother’s Day, in the ER asking for confirmation that I was indeed loosing my child.
I have a wealth of writing to do around that subject, my miscarriage is not the topic of this Crystal post. How I’m feeling my feelings is.
I’ve been walking dizzily around as I wait for the copious amounts of blood that I lost to replenish within my body in a shocked haze. Of course this week would just happen to be the busiest of week’s for my husband, long work hours during the day and his play is being performed all week in the evening which means full days and nights of caring for a toddler and having very little time to myself. Long days with my 2 year old that still doesn’t know that she will not be a big sister this Christmas. In this dizzy haze I observed how detached I feel and I am aware that a large part of it is shock and lack of blood.
However, I have feelings that break through, most of them anger right now. Go figure, my go to emotion, anger at the friends that didn’t reach out that knew, angry at the friends that brushed off what happened in a nonn-chalant manner, anger at the people that weren’t understanding of my pregnancy when I was pregnant and knew and angry at a society that says we shouldn’t tell anyone that we are pregnant in our first trimester in case this happens. Angry that it is socially unacceptable to openly discuss miscarriage and that I feel ashamed and embarrassed to post this.
My husband went and found me a piece of lepidolite, I have been holding it and looking at the lilac crystals that glitter on the stone and bitterly reflecting on the purpose of this month’s crystal, to get me to feel. Deeper than my resistance to feel right now is an awareness that not feeling my feelings is a part of freezing trauma into my body and I don’t want to do that. So I sit with this beautiful crystal, in this beautiful month of birth and growth and I feel how empty my womb is now, how scared I feel within my body and how a part of our family has left us.
I am learning to feel the feelings in the moment that they are there. My daughter is a great barometer that allows me to witness how much feelings I’m allowing in. The more I resist her very open and often loud expression of her emotions, the more I know that I am in resistance to emotions altogether.
Tonight, I am focusing on honouring my daughter’s full expression of emotions, knowing that the more I honour her right to feel fully and don’t try to suppress or quiet her, the more I am able to offer that to myself. She is fussy, she is crying and screaming and I am holding her and repeating “Mommy’s here, you’re safe, Mommy’s here,” not trying to fix anything, just being there to hold her and allow her to feel. As I do this, I imagine that there is a Divine Mother doing the same for me, wrapping Her divine wings around me and letting me know that I am safe, that She is here and giving me the space to feel it all through.
Until next time,
Grace Be With You,
Priestess of Grace,
Candise Soaring Butterfly