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This Gracious Love

As I lay in bed at 1 am, feeling crushed by the weight of how vulnerable I am in the face of the love that I am overcome with for my child, a poem seeped into my consciousness.

This is what meeting my Creator’s love in a dream, falling in love with my husband and becoming a Mother has taught me about love.

For my daughter:

This Gracious Love

Unless it breaks you,
It is not love.
Until it shatters all illusory systems of control within your grasp,
It is not love.
If you can still breathe,
It is not love.
It is not light, it is not carefree,
It is a stifling blanket of bliss that threatens to leave you immobilized and paralyzed.
It is fragile as gossamer and the threat of it tearing away is enough to bring you to your knees.
Unless it incites a silent scream of surrender,
Of utter self-defeat,
It is not love.
Love will destroy you,
With Her sacrosanct intoxication.
Love will claim you and never ever promise to stay put.
Love demands everything and for Her you must bleed to your last drop.
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Scorpio Crone Moon, the destruction of anxious cycles and the rebirth of grace.

I am moved out of the countryside, out of the big city and finally settled into a small town, what a lot of upheaval for this security loving Taurus moon Mama. Now that I am out of the country I have my internet service back, which means the freedom to get my writing done whenever I like (provided my dear sweet clinging Maiden is happy with her hard working Daddy watching her while I do).

I feel like a lifetime has passed since my last moon blog post, I can’t remember if it was the Mother moon or the Crone moon that I wrote on last. What I am left with today is such a tremendous amount of shifting, transcending, shedding and awakening to reflect on that I feel lost about the direction of tonight’s post. I have moved into a new home, held my first Goddess Gathering with a group of women in our home, been cast as the lead role beside my husband in a play and have had a huge amount of support within my home these past two and a half weeks with my mother in law arriving. If I try to weave everything that has occurred into one coherent blog post I fear I will end up writing a novel. So I shall start with the beautiful, magical, intimidating moon.

The moon is new tonight, she is under the astrological sign of Scorpio, giving us a Scorpio Crone moon. Scorpio is such an intense and destructive sign, when she merges with the dark moon of death and release her energy is powerfully eery and foreboding. I don’t know if it is because I have such strong Scorpio influence, (Scorpio sun, mercury and uranus) that I find these dark and intense nights to be relieving, peaceful and even joyous, or if it’s just a part of my personal oddity. Whatever the reason, I have always found the bright and cheery energy of Leo summers and the sweet and romantic sense of Taurus springs to be much more challenging and unsettling than dark, chilly Scorpio mooned nights like tonight.

My cycle is the opposite of the moon, when she is new and in the Crone phase of release, the time when women have traditionally bled, I am full and fertile. When she is in her Mother phase, and bright and full and robust, I am bleeding and emptying. Beyond the constant balancing act that I experience each month with these opposing energies, is the support that I receive. For me, the Crone moon is my energy moontime, the time when my energetic, more subtle, higher vibrational self sheds and let’s go of all that is not serving or has served it’s purpose.

The date today is 11/11 a blessed combination, 11/11, according to Doreen Virtue, is a message from your angels to become aware of your thoughts and what it is that you are focusing upon, for this is what will be brought about. Not a personal practitioner of manifestation, I recognize the challenge of this 11/11 combination with tonights’ moon. The Crone moon in Scorpio is all about releasing the dark, the hidden, the shadow self. Scorpio is the investigator, she uncovers what others dare not look at, she brings to light the taboo and she kills off all that is dead and unwanted. To look at all of these darker aspects when the 11/11 vibration is wanting to birth what it is that we are focusing upon is quite scary.I see the combination of this number sequence with this moon phase as a reminder to stay out of the head tonight and to go deep into the womb, the energetic cauldron of our power, mystery and blood.

Your inner cauldron holds all that you desire, all that you hold true and all that nourishes you, within this womb space is the energies that we receive into us, consciously and unconsciously, thus a cleansing of our inner cauldron creates a purified space for intentional energy to grow and to spread within us. Tonight’s moon is reminding me to feel into my womb and to release, to let go of the need to know what it is and why it’s there, to trust that I can navigate my energy without needing to intellectually process or analyze the mask, the story that covers the energy.

This is good news for me, as my focus really is very positive (not a natural state for me) right now, I am focusing on all that I am appreciative of and the many ways that grace has been appearing in my life. These recognitions will feed the 11/11 energy as I focus on all of the ways that I am supported and cared for.

My Taurus moon, Scorpio Sun and Capricorn Venus hold my strongest personal shadows, for me it is all about security and safety, Taurus needs, as well as trust, a Scorpio need, and control a Scorpio/Capricorn need. Grace fills these vast needs for me when I let go and allow grace to lead my way.

I am feeling the release of the moon deeply as the evening grows darker, I am feeling into what needs to be released and I sense a tightening within the pit of my stomach, a knot that is tying itself tighter and tighter behind my fourth chakra and a sinking sense within my gut. These sensations exist simultaneously, side by side with my peace and my joy, oh what a beautifully strange paradox life in the human realm is. The big release, the offering that I am asking for the wise old Scorpio Crone , the witch archetype, to take from me, is the release of habitual energetic patterns. Namely, the cycle of ease, peace and relief into seeking ,hyperawareness, anxiety and unrest. This is a cycle that was created in childhood. I was not born with it, I remember what it felt like in my body before this cycle existed, it has been with me the majority of my life but it is not of me. Tonight I offer it up to the Scorpio Crone expression of the Divine.

I love following the moon cycles and the astrological and feminine archetypes that she holds, to me they are all many faces of the One Divine Source, reminders of all of the intricate ways that I can call upon the Creator to purify, sanctify and light up my life. I fall at the feet of the Scorpio Crone in reverence and awe tonight.

I felt the cycle gearing up within me when my husband walked through the door tonight, that cycle of dis-ease creeping up my skin, crawling into my belly and making a nest to grow. My husband has a task that he has been in the very long process of completing, something that affects us both, and I want it done yesterday and I am not comfortable with my inability to do it for him. This part of me is the very large Capricorn influence that I have, my Venus (feminine self) my life task as well as the ruler of my home and family house (the 4th house) is all ruled by Capricorn, the manager. I felt that energy climbing into my joyful womb, a space that had been revelling in our new home, the beauty of my daughter’s childhood, a sacred and moving citizenship ceremony that my husband received yesterday, (the culmination of a six and a half year journey for us), the comfort of having my mother in law with us and all that she has done to ease the burdens of our day to day life, my womb space had been bright with this happy and settled energy and still I could feel myself preparing for the turn of the wheel, for the next sense of unease and anxiety to roll on in and with my husband’s arrival home the cycle found it’s food to feed the unease that had been starved while I had been revelling in joy.

My relief is that what I expect is much less dreadful than I once did and the joy that I anticipate is much happier and larger than I once ever believed possible. In fact the unease that I was preparing for felt so small that I had hope that I might be ready to fully unwind this cycle and release it into the ethers. With my cycle being opposite of the moon and this being my energetic moontime I will give myself two weeks to fully unwind, I will finish this release on the full moon with my moonblood. I encourage anyone else that cycles opposite of the moon to pay attention to what you shed tonight, and to continue to shed right into the next moontime that you receive, allow the flow of your blood to purify the last of tonights release.

For the rest of the evening I am setting my focused intention on releasing all that is not in alignment with peace. In my prayers this past month I have been instructed to “just love”, what a simple and obvious message, yet when I apply it to my husband it is a lifetimes’ worth of work, the culmination of the true commitment that I made in becoming his wife. Offering love and leaving his journey to him and his Creator and going within, to my source of grace for the fulfillment of my needs is the true intention that I had when I married my Beloved, tonight I recommit to that pledge.

In the face of the death and destruction that the Scorpio Crone brings I am left bare and holding onto the one constant in my life, grace. Grace that has always shown up as exactly what I need the moment I needed it.

I say goodbye to anxiety and self will, I release you and welcome your destruction, there is none so powerful as a Scorpio expression of Source to take you from my life. And I welcome you grace, my constant companion, to reign supreme in my life, taking up all of the space that the anxiety once claimed. This is my proclamation and my intentional statement on the Scorpio Crone Moon, what will yours be?

I wish each and everyone of you a blessed Scorpio Crone Moon, may your release be deep and eternal.

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