As I sit here surrounded by my Cancer dreams come true I open my heart and allow the floods of sadness to wash over me. This is not a sadness caused by depression, an insidious illness that does rob one of their ability to enjoy the outer trappings of their life, nor is this sadness due to any conflict or struggle, no this sadness is a wave of Cancer energy carrying me away on the tides of nostalgia.
The moon is new, a Crone Moon as I have been taught to work with her and is in Cancer, the sign of the Divine Mother and all things maternal, nurturing and psychic. Today’s Crone Moon is met by a partial solar eclipse in Cancer, and this Crone moon is a super moon. The super moon amplifies the Cancer energy and the solar eclipse calls for us to pause and to go back in reflection upon our personal life experience and examine the shadows that exist within us in the area’s ruled by the astrological sign guiding the eclipse, in this instance, Cancer.
Astrologer Coach Sonja Francis teaches in this month’s new moon/solar eclipse video about the origin of this eclipse beginning 18 years ago in July, she encourages us to look at what it was that we were learning or processing in July of 2000 and as I allow the shadow over the sun to guide me into the shadow of my human and the psychic ability of the Cancer super moon to open my inner awareness to a much wider degree than normal much is coming to silvery lunar light for me today.
The themes of this energy for me is separation from mother and separation from family and soul tribes, I suspect the lesson on the other side of this shadow is that we are all connected eternally and ultimately that we are all one, what that truth will mean for me in my human life as I digest it deeper is yet to be seen, that will come when the new seed is planted in 48 hours and in the days to come as it grows through 2019 into fruition, for this energy is but a preview of what we will be working with in the upcoming eclipse year.
Cancer rules the ocean, the womb, the dreamland, today I am reflecting upon my dreams in relation to the Cancer themes that abound at this time. So many of my dreams from 18 years ago have been realized and come to fruition. The ones that I see in full bloom were my dreams to fall in love, to be and receive love from that Beloved, to get married, to have children, to be a mother, to be a writer, to be a spiritual speaker and to have my four soul sisters in my life at the depth that they were 18 years ago. My home is a sanctuary, my daughters are beautiful with magical names, my friends and community reflect my consciousness, my husband is a babe and I am more in love with him than ever. I have a deep unfolding spiritual life and I have spiritual quests and pursuits that I walk on a daily basis. I know God and She fulfills me. The garden of my life is fragrant and lovely and blessed.
I also am looking at area’s where those dreams didn’t come through in the sweetest way that I imagined, I wanted all four of us to live together, houses beside each other, all of us in love and married with homes full of bouncing children. I wanted us all to be lucratively rich and to live in exotic places, to be a foursome with our own families as the gift that we lived in, always returning to each other. Those dreams have showed up in ways unexpected, some of us are mothers, some happily so and some of us struggling, some of us are in love, some are not, some have been through divorce, some of us have had children in hospitals, the exotic lands visited have been visited separately and where each one of us will root down and create our forever home has been one of the most challenging choices to make individually let alone together. So there are still dreams around my family, tribe and home left to be dreamt as I walk through this eclipse.
To get specific I am journeying back to 2000 and finding the lessons that I am still working through 18 years later.
In July of 2000 I was enjoying my final summer at home, I was 1.5 months away from going away to college, leaving my mother who was unwell at the time, leaving my little brother whom I had taken a protective and mothering role over and leaving my four soul sisters, the girls in my life that made me feel home and that would forever be at the centre of my heart. I knew that the move and the separation was coming and I had no way to ground the feelings of the looming transition down. I would imagine what it would be like to go to bed in a house that didn’t contain my parents, what it would be like to spend mornings alone, what it would be like to not be there for my little brother and of deep concern how I was going to ensure that the four of us, my soul sisters and I, stayed together. For some odd reason adults seemed to love to tell us that while we imagined we would be best friends forever that after high school everything would change and we would grow apart. I was determined to not let that happen, at all costs I was going to keep us together, even though we were all about to move away to separate parts of the province I would be our connective link.
Fast forward 18 years later and in this July of 2018 I am enjoying the potentially last summer of having two girls at home full time, my intended-to-be-homeschooled almost 5 year old has decided that she wants to join the school system and we have agreed to support her in that heroine’s journey of her own. I again flounder for ways to ground the energy of this transition down as we go through busy days with her and I and a toddler and fall into exhausted sleeps only to find me awake in the middle of the night holding her big body, or snuggling her little sister and wondering where the time has gone, how is she not the size of her little sister? I know that very soon she will be closer to child than toddler and they way that I have known her will transform forever, each day she individuates from me a little bit more. This is a transition of her stepping away from me as mother in July of 2018 and in July of 2000 I was stepping away from my mother.
As the three of us took our morning walk today, I reflected on where I was 18 summers ago and I grew so homesick for my soul sisters. One of us lives in the same town as me now, the other two of us used to live in the same city together in our 20’s, now we are spread out. We are still all soul sister friends, at least I am their soul sister friend and they are mine, though the dynamics of the foursome has changed over the years, a change that I resisted greatly and attempted to control and manage, I still have my sisters in my life and hopes that we will once again be in close proximity physically and emotionally as a foursome. Memories of us partying and playing in that last summer together before college break my heart and I remember the sadness too that each one of us held at that time in our life, each one of us with our own childhood trauma had found one another and formed a bond of care taking for one another that we would remain etched on each other’s souls forever. I longed to have my sisters back with me in the flesh this morning, I longed for my daughters to be with me forever and in the longing I began to have flashes of the horrific stories that I have heard from mother’s at the border torn away from their children and suddenly it all comes together for me.
There is a belief within me and a belief intertwined in our society that we can be separated, that we can be separated from each other, from our good, from our health, from our life, from Heaven and ultimately from the presence and love of God Herself. Even those of us who consider themselves to be spiritual intellectuals who know that the ultimate truth is otherwise still live our lives in two worlds, the one where our Highest Selves hold truth and the one where our human selves reach up to pull those truths down into actualization.
That is the opportunity coming up for me today, I will wait the 48 hours suggested by Sonja Francis before setting any intentions, but for today I will begin to allow awareness to dawn on me. Astrology in itself is not a power, there is One Power, astrology is an energetic map pointing us Home, directing us inwards, back into whole-ness and back into awareness of that One Power. Today I will embrace the pain that I felt when I was separated from my mother at birth, by her illness, by going away to college, by moving across the country, by getting married, by becoming a mother. I will embrace the pain that I felt when I felt separated from my daughters after both births, one when I was wheeled away to recover, the other in a traumatic NICU stay when we were transported to separate rooms, when they were watched by someone other than me for the first time and when one of them prepared to leave to go to school. I will embrace the pain of my sisters moving away and growing into lives that aren’t intrinsically connected with mine on a day to day basis. I will embrace the pain that two of my great grandmothers never healed from when they were separated from their children (unto the seven generations) and I will embrace the pain of all of the mothers being ripped away from their offspring right now. I will embrace those feelings right now because they still exist in my shadowy regions and the Cancer solar eclipse which deals with matters involving mothers, family, offspring and Home is highlighting my shadows in this area. I will embrace them and I will allow them to flow from me, offering them to the Great Mother to be returned into love as the Crone Moon does her job of aiding me in releasing what is no longer serving me energetically. I will release and I will return my blood to the earth and then I will sit in meditation, awaiting the message of the Mother Goddess in her Cancer archetype, awaiting instruction about how and what seed to intend to fill the space that once held my fears of being separated.
Tonight I fall into the lap of the Mother and await Her wisdom as she strokes my hair and reminds me that She has always been with me, has always been me and IS everything, everyone and everywhere.
Grace Be With You,
Priestess of Grace,
Candise Soaring Butterfly
The image is from a book with illustrations by Frédérique Bertin.
The book is titled L’amante de Shambu et le Fou de Shakti by Remi Boyer.
The moon is full tonight, in Feminine Mysticism the full moon is known as the Mother Moon. This knowledge, that the full moon is the Mother, has been with me for some time now. I understand that the emotional energy is at it’s highest during this phase of the moon, that the astrological sign it falls under influences how we feel her energy, and that the Mother phase is full, in need of balance and very busy.
This knowledge seems to have dropped from my head and down into my heart in the last 24 hours. As my husband and I balanced getting our 3.5 year old to a fair, dressed to be a flower girl, to the wedding, pick up clothing orders, plan for meals, get work done, maintain the house and follow sleep cues for our four month old daughter, that corny saying that I’ve read in the mother boards began to echo in my head “the days are long but the years are short,” in the midst of the chaos, it dawned on me that life will not always be like this. One day our children will be grown up and life will not be this demanding and full, we might choose to keep it full or make unconscious choices that make it feel demanding, but it won’t be guaranteed, non stop full on like it is now. That’s where my new appreciation for the Mother Moon energies came from.
I got it, that fullness, that looniness, that need for balance when things are at their peak that the Mother phase of the Moon holds is what I am living right now. As I connected the energies of the Mother Moon and the Mother phase of life together I began to feel the Mother Moon looming in the skies as the moon turned full over the past 24 hours.
The Mother Moon is a Capricorn one this month, she is balancing out the energies of career/calling with home and family, just today I was explaining to my husband that right now and for the next while I am predominantly ‘mom’ and most of my other identities feel lost. Thankfully I know, having already raised a daughter for 3.5 years, that this will ease up as our baby continues to grow. With Gracious, my eldest, by 20 months I was feeling like myself, like a woman who had the role of Mother to play as one of many roles in life, rather than my life having been usurped by becoming a mom and having that role as my sole identity, as I once feared it would be when I first became a mother.
The moon rules our emotions, Capricorn is studious and down to earth, she is also the Matriarch of the zodiac, with Capricorn ruling this Mother Moon, I felt as if she was coming in to offer me perspective. As my eldest daughter ran around the house as if she were in a jungle and I contemplated ways to get her energy out while also napping the baby and wondered how I would ever get a moment to myself again a calm began to descend upon me.
“The days are long but the years are short,” it was as if the Capricorn moon was reminding me not to get caught up in the overwhelm of how much time and energy I was outputting to my tiny little fairies and reminding me that this is a phase, this is the main job for me right now but it is not the only job I have, nor is it the only one I will ever have, it is however the one that needs the most attention and energy right now. A very inspiring Capricorn woman for me, Patti Smith, writes about how when she had children she stopped performing all together, she stayed home to raise her family. Despite criticism from the feminist community at the time, she wanted to make that decision, she did get up at 5am every morning to write, but the rest of her hours were spent taking care of her family as if that were her career. It was only after the tragic death of her partner that she returned to performing and that was to make money to keep the family going.
That portrait of Patti Smith is the personification of the Capricorn/Cancer balance to me, (we are balancing opposite signs Cap and Cancer as Cap is ruling the moon right now and Cancer the sun). It is also the epitome of the strength of self that she had at that time, to be fully immersed in her family life, to be enjoying her creativity for her own artistic self and to be out of the spotlight, to not fear fading into oblivion during her mothering years, what a balance she must have had between her home and her calling, to have faith that she could go back to her calling as a performer when her children were older and to have faith that she could fully fall into her calling as mother as a career and be okay with that.
That is my focus this month, the amount of minutes that I have to put into my personal calling outside of motherhood is much less than it will ever be, and that is okay, there’s a purpose to me giving as much as I’m giving right now. I am the primary vessel for Source to care for these young bodies and old souls right now as they reintegrate back onto Earth, the writing, the circles, the readings, they will all be there whenever I am ready to pick them up, but these years, these years will never come again, this is my highest work right now.
I love feeling the introverted home maker Cancer Mother archetype when she is ruling the Sun, her energy is so strong and inspiring for me as I tend my home, and I love when the stern Capricorn comes into the light of the full moon and my desires to extend out of the home and into the community, another great role of the Capricorn Goddess, is lit up within my heart, the balance that comes feels reassuring and comforting.
As I walk out of the light of this moon, I am taking perspective with me, right sized-ness and a reminder that some of the roles that we play in life have specific timings and requirements to them and that that is okay. Whether I am in the busy Mother phase of my life or not, one thing that remains steady and unchanging is the top priority in my life, which is a conscious and unwavering relationship with the Source within me, as long as that is at the centre of my soul, all else is balanced around that white, hot beam of alignment with Source, and when I am aligned I can be at peace, being right where I am in the moment, regardless of how chaotic and busy it may be.
Grace Be With You,
Priestess of Grace,
Candise Soaring Butterfly
image taken from: https://img0.etsystatic.com