Facing my shadow self on the Autumn Equinox
The Autumn Equinox has always been a quiet time of reflection and introspection for me. It has brought about a calming and a settling down. Every year that I have honoured the Autumn Equinox this has been true….until this year.
Today has been such a wound up and to be honest, frustrating day. We have found our new home, it is exactly what we wanted, it is on the water, it is in the country and it is beautiful. The surprises of this place is that the water is down a steep cliff that I can’t walk to without my husband, that the place is furnished so we had to use an entire room to pack up the owner’s stuff that we won’t use, that the internet is ridiculously slow and expensive, that my phone doesn’t work out there, and that while we are out in the country there is relatively little for me and my two year old to do. Our house is on a highway and while there is a very empty park nearby and a playground at the next door apartment building, there isn’t much naturey places for us to walk and not many people come to visit. It is long days with just the two of us, my husband is up at 6 and generally not home until 7. This coupled with the upcoming winter months of heating and potential mice has made our country living an adjustment.
On top of these circumstances has been a sense of not being able to feel quite right in my gut. I have moments, I have hours when things feel great, when the beautiful, beautiful lake is enough, when the hummingbirds and the monarchs and my maiden and I being each other’s one and only is so quaintly sweet that I am at peace. Yet, there is an overriding sense of offness in my gut.
After spending an hour and a half on our back deck trying to figure out phone service and internet (mercury retrograde is so much fun isn’t it?) my Maiden was at her wits end and telling me that she didn’t like our new home. Heart breaking. I took her next door to play on the swings and breathed the water in, I paused, I prayed, I remembered that this day was about balance, I called my wise Grandmother who reminded me of the serenity prayer and I got back into today. There are a bunch of boring facts about the internet and the lady I am renting from that seemed insurmountable, (the internet is important to me as it is my means of sharing my writing which is a huge part of my Priestessing), there was the fact that it wasn’t looking like my family visits in the city were going to be as often as I imagined and that I was virtually stranded without a means of communicating with anyone, unless I stood in a very particular spot to use my phone and even that was tentative. It all felt out of my control. I paused, I repeated the serenity prayer, I repeated my favourite truth “God’s grace is my sufficiency” and I tried to be in the day.
Perhaps I was meant to let it all go. To let go of my writing, to really go off the grid and to be in solitary. That was one road I was preparing to take. As I settled into that idea, I remembered a reading that was done for me last night, one in which I was encouraged to connect to my guides and to ask them for help, I began talking to them today. I usually just go to Source or to the Holy Spirit, I decided to try to talk to my guides and I asked for them to find a solution for me. As I was remembering this my father called, I didn’t get the call because, well you know…..reception, but my husband did, my father had found a place in the city that was a ten minute walk from them, from the parks, from the green belt. I wasn’t even going to look but my husband suggested follow where we were led, so we packed into the car, drove into town and went to look. And it was beautiful, and it is in a four plex and the opposite of country living.
Now, I sit here, on the eve of the day that is all about balance and evaluation and I seek out what it is that I truly want. Is the beauty of nature, the solitude of the country and the slow days with my daughter what resonates? Is a cozy home, close to family and friends and places to visit in a small and sleepy town what resonates? Where will I best fit? I truly believe we can be happy anywhere, I truly believe that Goddess’ will can be played out in any and all circumstance. Do I believe that my Higher Power also knows what is the ultimate highest match for me? That’s the real question rising up right now. Can I let go and trust in an infinite power to guide me and to direct me?
I don’t like to move quickly, I don’t like having to make quick decisions, definitely not in the midst of a mercury retrograde, however, I do like to think that my Higher Power can guide me in a moment’s notice. The common denominator in this decision is that we are in a slower, quieter, smaller place with family nearer then where we had ever been had we not done our original big move from out West.
This post feels like a dump of stream of consciousness, I don’t know if it will move anyone, it was what I needed tonight, and the message that I am taking from this is that there is a movement that comes in life, a movement that comes slowly and a movement that comes quickly and that we don’t get to choose how fast the stream flows, we only get to choose whether or not we jump in and float, or whether we cling to the rocks and hope that it slows down. There are moments of floating and ease and there are moments of rushing. I need to know that the Power that I rely on is guiding that stream and that all that I need and all that makes me my most joyous is in that stream of life. For years I have struggled with prayer, meditation makes so much more sense and it is so easy to just be diffused in the light of Spirit, however, I am never at peace without a healthy prayer life and that is a big piece that is coming up for me right now. My prayer life is beginning to take root again like it used to be when I was a child, it is beginning to flourish and it is reminding me that in seeking and asking I am answered.
I am surprised to be coming face to face with my ego, with pride and with the ugly side of longing to be admired. I love the idea of being a country family off the grid, my daughter being wild and free. Moving into a small city, and into a four plex and just being a person in the city feels hard to my ego, beyond the fear of how I appear to others is a darker shadow that I am facing, a shadow from my early years, it is the shadow of feeling like a nobody, feeling invisible and as if my presence was inconsequential. Moving back into the city will be a major ego deflator for me. I am not surprised that lessons from my Maiden years are coming up, in my post on the Priestess page about today’s equinox I talk about the maiden phase of the moon that we are in and how she is asking us to tear down the social construct, and here I am trying to navigate what it is that I want and what I have been programmed to want.
Tonight, I sit with the shadow, I am feeling it, I am digging in, I am facing it and I am going to come out the other side of it with a firm grasp on what defines me, what defines my worth, and what truly matters to me. I wonder what shadow is coming to light for you this equinox? I wonder what is coming in to be balanced? What are you harvesting to come with you into the season of dark?
Grace Be With You
Priestess of Grace,
Candise Soaring Butterfly
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